Well, isn't this a cheery little blog? Don't worry fans, I promise it'll get better. Do you want an essay update? I have a little under a page. I need 7. I'm so fucked it's not funny, but I"m at that point where I still can't really care.
I hate what I do to people. Well, to boys mainly. I'm a complete user of people's emotions. I always try to warn them, ever since I figured this out a few years ago. But there's always some moments that I hate. Like the moment when you're becoming so close to someone and you feel like you should tell them how much they mean to you. Not nessesarily 'I love you", but you know, something to that effect. I always want to say something, but then I come to the small and sad conclusion that I don't actually care, that what I'm feeling is just what I think I"m supposed to feel because of what society has fed me. I'm programed to thing that this is the time when you tell them how much you appreciate their company and whatnot. Why can't I genuinly feel this emotion instead of just feeling like it should be there? It just makes me feel empty and emotionally challenged.
Another problem is just curbing new feelings. I know I don't like him. I know I'm compltly using him. But some part of me still believes that I do really like HIM and could grow to love HIM and not just how he makes me feel. Because thats what I really love. Never the person, only the thoughts, feelings and experiences that come with that person.
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