New beginnings have to start with old endings

Because I miss having friends sometimes.
Why can't we do this anymore? I feel like I'm the only one who misses the "old days" of Drama class and finishing Writer's Craft during lunch. What happened to watching Arrested on spare, and going to Tim's at lunch? Do you not need me anymore?

I hope it slowly dissapears

It hurts when you don't seem to care. Maybe you never did, I can't tell anymore. My memories are mostly tainted with the bitterness I feel when I think of you now. And yet I can't help but feel hurt and it grows inside me with time. It ripens into the impression of regret and loss.
This kind of betrayal, can it ever be forgiven? This kind of blatant lie that I still can't fully understand. I can't believe it, I don't want to comprehend it. I want to be able to look back on it all, all 5 months of it, like I had planned to; with a smile and a sigh for feelings now long spent. I wanted it to end gracefully but I made it drawn out until it was too thin and could not support itself and for that I am sorry. It may be my fault that I still feel this way, but I cannot shake the sensation of betrayal. And this hurt will never seem to fade.

There is an emptiness in my life and I wish I could believe you feel the same way. I feel cut away from something I had immersed myself in, ripped at the seams. But more than seams, ripped right through the fabric. I feel empty not because you are gone from my life, but more because I am no longer a part of yours.


I wish now, more than I ever did all those times before, that I knew what you thought. I wish I had all your reasons laid out before me in a row. I feel the only way to move past this is to understand fully why you did it. But your blatant ignorance is a mystery to me and the hurt only deepens with every passing day.

All I want for the holidays is a really nice Canon SLR type camera. The kind you have to focus manually. I want chunky and heavy and I want that solid click/crunch sound when I push the button. I know I won't get it, but that doesn't mean I can't wish right?
Actually, it's more like I just don't deserve it. I didn't do well in school, and I know where I went wrong and I know what I could have done better, but I still didn't do well at all. Not to say I failed, I'm pretty sure I didn't do that. I know my rents won't be happy when they find out, and for that I don't think I deserve what I absolutely want this holiday.
The only thing is that I don't know anyone in first semester who did well. Everyone I talk to says they were just getting used to everything. And it's true, it has been the scariest thing here sometimes. Sometimes I just want to go back to LP and have things never change. Yes I love it, but that doesn't mean it's great and I'm always happy and I'm going to do awesome. I had issues last year and that was after being in the same school for 4 years and living in the same place for 11.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm making excuses, but this is hard, and I'm not used to it. So mum and dad, I'm so sorry I didn't do amazing. I didn't get 80's because I had to deal with a lot more than just school. Please understand.

I really think my best pictures are of nature. Now I am a treehugger and proud of it, but that's not the only reason I take pictures of plantlife. I really find the best examples of beauty and symmetry outside amongst the skeletons of tress and the way colors jump out at you. Mitch and I went to the arbouretum, where I could have had more photos if it hadn't been so cold out. There should be a camera that keeps your hands warm.

Just keep pressing the button

SO we went to this formal and I was all " I'll bring my camera" and of course over 90 pics ended up being taken. When it comes to photography I have a this philosophy that if you take like a million photos then you have to get at least one good one right? There were a couple good ones, but this is my favorite so far.

Now Official

So if you happened to take a glance at the centre-fold of today's Ontarion, you might have seen a certain photo credited to a certain someone. That's right fans, I am now a fully published photographer, and I gotta tell you, it feels great. I'm a little disapointed with the photo though, since I know it wasn't near my best. Silly people at the place I was sent, ugh. That was a bad mission, it ended in half failure. Whatever, I still got in, and thats all that matters.

And Again....

Yeah I know, but it's my blog. So I got a comment on the last pic saying
the space is distracting if you dont mind me saying, unless you were going for the distance because he seems loving but then you have this cold stare into the camera
So I want to add another one from the same series. I love all of them anyways, but this is my second favorite.To Mitch, who stood still.

Decision

I've decided this will be a photography blog, and that's how I will attract more persons to my pensés. I've already started with the ones I took today of Mitch and I, and I'm going to try for one a day, which will encourage me to get back into the habit of taking photos. So friends and randoms be warned! I'm being released into the wild that is campus and I'm armed with my digital macro.

Easter Eggs

Sometimes I feel like a scandal. The girl who everyone talks about. I guess that's what I get for bringing a boy into an all girls rez. I mean, it's kinda obvious he doesn't live there. I've done nothing wrong, so why do I feel the need to keep secrets and sneak around and not upload certain photos so as not to offend the wrong people? Why should I care really? I blame Facebook really. I've started thinking things like do I want people to know my relationship status, or who's going to see that one post. I've been saving photos from the unwanted eyes of my fellow lurkers because they're private. But at the same time, I think they're beautiful and I want everyone to see them. What's wrong with wanting to share a talent, with wanting critisism and praise for one's art?

The one that's on right now I "censured" if you will. I almost entirely cut out the one thing I don't want anyone to know. But of course with any secret, it's never really secret because a part of you does want people to know. It's like those those things hidden on websites and dvd's, you know? It's there if you care enough to look hard enough. I'm leaving a trail, I just don't know if anyone cares to follow it.

















The one that's up right now and the original.

Things I hate about myself

Well, isn't this a cheery little blog? Don't worry fans, I promise it'll get better. Do you want an essay update? I have a little under a page. I need 7. I'm so fucked it's not funny, but I"m at that point where I still can't really care.
I hate what I do to people. Well, to boys mainly. I'm a complete user of people's emotions. I always try to warn them, ever since I figured this out a few years ago. But there's always some moments that I hate. Like the moment when you're becoming so close to someone and you feel like you should tell them how much they mean to you. Not nessesarily 'I love you", but you know, something to that effect. I always want to say something, but then I come to the small and sad conclusion that I don't actually care, that what I'm feeling is just what I think I"m supposed to feel because of what society has fed me. I'm programed to thing that this is the time when you tell them how much you appreciate their company and whatnot. Why can't I genuinly feel this emotion instead of just feeling like it should be there? It just makes me feel empty and emotionally challenged.
Another problem is just curbing new feelings. I know I don't like him. I know I'm compltly using him. But some part of me still believes that I do really like HIM and could grow to love HIM and not just how he makes me feel. Because thats what I really love. Never the person, only the thoughts, feelings and experiences that come with that person.

[Title]

I don't really like this template, but whatever. As a hist. major I guess it kinda goes. I am such a good procrastinator it isn't funny. For the last 24 hours I've been saying I'm going to start this effing essay, but I haven't yet. I've slept in, taken a shower, cut my hair, hung out with Mitch, had lunch and dinner, read web comics and other stupid stuff I'm addicted too, and now I'm in the library updating my blog. Even though there's nothing to say.

Turning Point

I feel like I've changed gears after this weekend. Before my focus was half on school and half on home, because of people there. But now it's changed because now I don't have much of a tie to home. After spending more than 5 consecutive days here I feel like I"ve been initiated. Now I officially live here, no more of this between lives shit. So what am I trying to say? This was a good thing.
Fuck, I don't believe that for a second. What are you supposed to do when someone is convinced you're not worth the effort anymore? What effort man? Can you honestly say you did everything you could have? I'm so bitter right now, and I feel like I have to get this out. I did everything I could have, did you?