When you experience true sorrow and grief, it is overwhelming. It consumes your life and never lets you escape for more than a minute. At the beginning of this year, and especially through February, every thought came back to how I was feeling. I tried to focus on other things, I threw myself into creative endeavors. I had planned on how to keep myself from getting too depressed back in December. I learned new sewing skills, I bought more fabric, I think I cast on three new things, I planned new things for Sparks, I went wholeheartedly into learning violin again and I even brought back learning a new language. I felt like my mind was too clever to be cheated like this. I was hurting and there was no escaping from it.
I think I understand now how people loose their minds. I truly felt like I had lost all control over myself. The emotional pain was beyond anything I had ever known. I didn't want to exist anymore.
Through time and support from those I love, I learned to push it away. It took a very long time before an hour would pass without thinking of it, but I'm there now. There are new things to think about. I have mastered how I feel and can choose to listen to my feelings or to push them away.
Now the most interesting part. It still hurts very much. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of how my life has changed in 6 months. There are things that I will never have in my life again and knowing that really hurts.
Now I am in control, I choose when to feel hurt. I can allow myself moments of grief. It is my decision now.
I still love this song but it has new meaning. It's about more than one person now.
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