Tore our dresses, and stained our shirts

When you experience true sorrow and grief, it is overwhelming. It consumes your life and never lets you escape for more than a minute. At the beginning of this year, and especially through February, every thought came back to how I was feeling. I tried to focus on other things, I threw myself into creative endeavors. I had planned on how to keep myself from getting too depressed back in December. I learned new sewing skills, I bought more fabric, I think I cast on three new things, I planned new things for Sparks, I went wholeheartedly into learning violin again and I even brought back learning a new language. I felt like my mind was too clever to be cheated like this. I was hurting and there was no escaping from it.

I think I understand now how people loose their minds. I truly felt like I had lost all control over myself. The emotional pain was beyond anything I had ever known. I didn't want to exist anymore.

Through time and support from those I love, I learned to push it away. It took a very long time before an hour would pass without thinking of it, but I'm there now. There are new things to think about. I have mastered how I feel and can choose to listen to my feelings or to push them away.

Now the most interesting part. It still hurts very much. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think of how my life has changed in 6 months. There are things that I will never have in my life again and knowing that really hurts.

Now I am in control, I choose when to feel hurt. I can allow myself moments of grief. It is my decision now.

I still love this song but it has new meaning. It's about more than one person now.

New Yarn

New yarn for a new pattern. I have to say I was not disappointed with Quince and Co. Their packaging was beautiful and there was a lovely little postcard inside thanking me for my order. This will be an Imogen Cowl soon I hope. I want to finish the Shetland Shawl first.

Let it go

Funny how the theme from an "ok" Disney movie ends up being the song of my year.

I'm sure you understand the significance, but it is pretty funny. I don't even particularly like that movie, it didn't resonate with me, I probably won't watch it again.

I had a moment with one of my sparks tonight, a teachable moment. Eireen was annoying Chloe, who is usually pretty annoying herself. I love all of them by the way. Chloe choose to show Eireen how annoyed she was with her usual physical violence and hit her on the arm. I stopped her and said "You can use your words, tell her how you feel." And she did, because Chloe is great sometimes, she looked right at her and said "you are being annoying please stop". And then I looked at her and I said,

 "Ok, you have told her how you feel. If she chooses to listen to you or not is her decision, not yours. You have done what  you can."

And a light went on in my head. I should listen to my own advice more often. 

Who knew that a group of 5 year-olds could teach me so much about myself?

Counting

There is something wrong with the counter for my blog. It says that there have been 57 page views in the last 24 hours. There is no way that can be true.

I changed the URL, as you may have noticed. I wanted to keep the blog but I wanted it to be harder to find.

I am having a good laugh looking through random comics over at Hark A Vagrant.

I already know the kind of quilt I want to make my friend who is getting married and I'm pretty sure about the colour.

So far this month I have
Gone to the Canadian Screen Awards Gala
Did yoga with Claire
Practiced a lot of violin
Went to a lecture at Ryerson
Saw Jumanji with Jan at TIFF
Had dinner with Dave and talked about pretentious history buffs
Learned many new songs in Choir, and was invited as a choir to sing at Carnagie Hall next March
Had an old school sleepover with Grace with wine
Volunteered at TIFF Kids Weekend
Planned a baby shower
Knit a lot of little things
Half finished a quilt

And it's only halfway through March.

Sunday projects

Making a quilt is incredible. First you destroy something and then you put it back together, but you can never put it back the way it was. It must be different.

So many finished things hanging around the house this week. A small sweater, a blanket, a hat for a new Dad. And a quilt that was supposed to be two. I was going to divide it and make two blankets, one for me and one for someone else. But now it's just for me. 

We got loaded with more snow on Wednesday but it's slowly disappearing. 

"What do you want to do?"

February Weekend

Two years ago yesterday. It feels like you are here still, I think about you all the time. I try to be someone you would be proud of. Am I a good granddaughter? I wish you would here, I have so many things I need to ask you. 

I learned paper piecing because my parents said I needed to do something to take my mind off of everything. They hate seeing me cry all the time, I know I'm making them really upset. I thought it would be harder, I genuinely am disappointed with it. It's not fair that I can't find anything to occupy my thoughts long enough to forget for more than a minute. I want to forget everything. I want to be happy again. Where is happiness?